I have always been a “safe” person. Always falling back on the safe option, the one with the most security. Well, except when I decided to move across the country to a state where I knew no one and attend a college I had never visited. And when I said yes to dating someone who totally (or so I thought) didn’t fit my “perfect Mr. Right” description. Both of those turned out rather well. But they are the exception rather than the rule.
No one ever had to tell me that I couldn’t be an author because it didn’t pay well. I knew that from as soon as I could count money. And I always assumed I would write on one side and “career” on the other. And now. Well, I don’t know. I don’t write anymore, that is for sure. But if anyone were to ask what my dream job is, I would, without hesitation, say “to write.” As demonstrated in the chat last night. 🙂 So it must still be in me – somewhere. I just need to find my passion again. And I don’t know how.
And my “career” – well – even that isn’t where I want it to be. The bigger question right now being – where is that? Where DO I want it to be? After going to college, I thought it was an Intelligence Analyst, but now, I have to wonder – am I just holding onto a romantic dream? Did I find something that sounded exciting and romantic and just cling to it, thinking it must be the perfect job? How do I even know I will like it, assuming I ever reach it? And, I don’t even know if that is an actual passion anymore either or if I just say it is because you are expected to have an answer when someone asks what you want with your life.
Really, sometimes I just get this depressed feeling that my life is currently – passionless. (Note: I am NOT talking about marriage here – I am strictly speaking to money/writing/career.)
I feel more lost than I did as a teenager or even in college figuring out what to do with my life. I always just assumed it would come to me and I would recognize things as they came. Not so much. So, now, what DO I want with my life? More and more, I just – want to quit my day job and see if I can make it writing. But I won’t . I put too much value on security. Especially financial security. I experienced all my financial insecurity in my childhood and have never wanted that in my grown-up life. So I won’t. But – I secretly kind of want to. But – on the other hand – I have this suspicion I only want to do that so I don’t have to figure out where to go in a career.
Why can’t this be easy???
It is time to get some perspective and rediscover what I am passionate about. I just don’t know how.