What Those Sweet Baby Reels Forget to Mention

If there is one thing social media is good at, it’s knowing what will make you stop and look. So, as you might imagine, I’ve been getting almost nonstop reels related to motherhood. Some are hilarious, some sweet, and some instructional. And of course I can’t help stopping every time to see what they say, whether I’m looking for validation that I’m not the only one going through this, encouragement, or just to know I’m not messing up too badly.

But I’ve started noticing a pattern. Specifically, the countless posts talking about how I, as a mother, need to enjoy these days no matter what. They take place in various forms. Some sweetly point out how few these days are (8 weeks with a newborn, 51 weeks with an infant, etc.). Some come at you from the perspective of the baby (Mom: exhausted and got nothing done. Baby: I got to cuddle with Mom all day. I feel so safe and loved!). Some discuss how difficult this transition is for baby (think about this foreign world he’s getting used to. Everything is so strange. Hold him and make both of you feel better.). Some talk about the importance of setting everything else aside to make sure your baby feels loved and cared for (Schedules and housework can wait – don’t feel guilty about just sitting and holding your baby all day. He needs you.). Some try to make you see your altered life purpose (Motherhood is a special God-given purpose. Embrace it. You might have to selflessly set aside your other dreams for now, but it’s worth it.).

At first I read all of these posts earnestly, felt the guilt grip me (especially for the posts from the perspective of baby), and try to push away any feelings or thoughts except those advocated by the words on the screen. But I’ve slowly come to realize that all those memes, so sweetly phrased, fail to do one thing: acknowledge the mother. And in particular, acknowledge what she might be going through. They are essentially saying that a mother’s exhaustion, frustration, tears, and desperation are negligible in light of the baby and should be shoved aside. They are, successfully in my case, making mothers feel guilty for not being able to set aside every feeling and emotion that isn’t positive about their baby and their new step into Motherhood. But what if we stopped guilt-tripping mothers and started uplifting them?

Because you know what? That doesn’t make those emotions any less real or difficult. You might only have 8 weeks with your infant, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to desperately want that 8 weeks to be over. And it IS possible to adore your child and still need to step away because you just can’t hold them any longer without going crazy. And deciding to try to pick up some of your old activities (or, yes, work) before your child is six months or a year doesn’t mean you love them any less.

Proverbs 31 is often referred to when discussing what a woman should aspire to. But what I’ve often noticed as that it is usually referenced only when talking about the perfect wife and mother holding together the perfect household. Rarely do the messages point out the fact that, far from simply focusing on motherhood, that Proverbs 31 woman also made and sold linen garments. She ran profitable trades. The chapter ends with “Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” It doesn’t say she has to embrace motherhood and only motherhood to be praised. To be a good and noble woman. We are allowed to have additional callings and tasks. Yes, even when the baby is still a baby.

Every single person is different. Some women love being mothers from day one and want nothing more than to hold and cuddle their baby and wish the days didn’t go by so fast. Others need to be able to step away frequently or look forward to the day their child can use the bathroom by themselves and go to sleep without being rocked for hours. Both are fine. Both are valid.

Being a mother is hard. Caring for a baby is hard. And all those sweet guilt-ridden memes about your baby needing you don’t take away the very valid emotions and difficulties that come along with Motherhood. Pretending one is not having a hard time adjusting doesn’t make the adjustment easier – it makes it even more difficult because you are not allowing yourself to process the change. And belittling what a mother is feeling in favor of reminding them over and over again how much time they might miss with their baby if they don’t focus on the right things is frankly unhealthy for both her and the baby.

Imagine what a better, more genuine, and delightful time Baby is going to have with Mommy if she truly looks forward to holding and cuddling him instead of forcing herself to pretend to enjoy it. And that only happens if she is allowed the space to process those emotions that society looks so down on. I know that when I leave the house for a few hours to be by myself, to acknowledge that, while I love my baby, I want the sleepless nights (and days!) to be over, and then melt into an activity that has nothing to do with a clingy baby, I come back ready to smile at and love him with far more authentic delight than when I pretend to be okay all day long.

What if, instead of trying to motivate mothers to embrace this season by making them feel guilty for not “enjoying this very short time”, we uplift them? What if instead of talking about what a great day the baby had when the mother had a hard day, we simply said: We see you. This is hard work. You are doing a great job.

That’s what I’m trying to concentrate on these days – despite all the social media posts, it is okay to want these days to be over, even if I know later I’ll look back on them wistfully. It’s okay to acknowledge the frustration and weariness. It is actually possible to love my baby and still need space, and that doesn’t make me any less of a mother.