Pregnancy, Panic, and Praise: A Third Trimester Life Update

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a life update…in fact, if you follow my blog closely, you might have noticed I didn’t do a single blog post last month other than my Dinner at 1800. I believe I am currently in what one calls survival mode.

It makes sense, I suppose, when I think about the fact that I am going to have a child in about six weeks. Despite all the discomforts of pregnancy, I’m still having a hard time registering that fact. I have a feeling it is one of those things that I am not going to fully believe until I bring the child home…and possibly not even then for awhile.

So…life. First and foremost, as one might expect, is the pregnancy. Between sleeping issues (I can barely remember what it is like to go to sleep and wake up without it hurting as I turn over every hour or so), to fatigue (Hmmm, to nap or to fold laundry so I have something to wear tomorrow today….nap it is!), to all the decisions (which of the dozen books/decisions should I address today? Child rearing, medical decisions, balancing, being a Godly mother, birth plan…or another nap? Or, wait – maybe we should actually pick a name BEFORE the child comes!)…it becomes rather panic-inducing, particularly when trying to balance with a semi-normal life.

One of the most common questions asked is if I am enjoying my pregnancy. Apparently many women love this time in their life. I openly admit I am not one of them. I know that compared to many, I’ve had a remarkably easy pregnancy – next to no nausea, no complications so far (unless you count having to have surgery for appendicitis…but that is hardly baby related), no diabetes, no high blood pressure, and while I’ve had some of the common issues, I barely touched the spectrum of the issues that I could have had, particularly for what they call a geriatric pregnancy. But I don’t like having to spend money on clothes I’ll wear for less than a year, I hate the random aches and pains, I don’t like having to go to the bathroom all the time, I dislike constantly worrying that I’m doing something wrong or wondering if the baby is okay if he doesn’t move in awhile, and I really really hate the fatigue and difficulty in getting things done – as someone who has thrived as long as she can remember on setting goals and reaching them, making a list for the day and only having the energy to accomplish a couple things on it drives me insane. At which point, people love to tell me that this is the easy part, and I should enjoy it because once the baby actually comes, it will be worse and I’ll have even less time and energy. Thank you, Madame Encouragement. That definitely makes me look at things from a completely different perspective and NOW I’ll magically do a 180 and LOVE being pregnant. Because I DEFINITELY hadn’t thought about that!

In case you can’t tell, I may be entering the cranky stage of the third trimester.

But, honestly, sometimes, I feel like you only read posts about people who love being pregnant and all the happy things – and it would be nice to occasionally realize that not everyone is like that. That there are struggles in even things that are usually perceived as joyful. I have no doubt that I will love my son beyond all reason when he arrives, no matter how terrified I am of labor itself. I intellectually know that God’s plan is the best and therefore fully expect that I will end up loving being a mother and not be able to imagine going back. But I’m not there yet, and it gets irritating when people expect me to already be there emotionally, instead of dealing with where I am right now. Which, frankly, is just trying to hand over my anxieties and fears to God on a daily (or hourly) basis so I don’t drown.

Speaking of which, I have reverted to my emergency devotional routine – which is reading a psalm in the morning because I don’t have energy for a full-on study. For awhile there, I just didn’t do anything because I would wake up in the morning, usually late, trying to make up for a restless night, and panic over everything there was to do, and sitting at a desk or a table hurts my back, so I really didn’t want to try to do a full Bible study, not to mention that anxiety-ridden feeling that there just wasn’t time. And, yes, I know that God is the One who gives us time in the first place, along with everything else, and therefore He should be a priority either way…but I’m claiming human here. And then I gave myself permission to just read the psalms instead of trying to do deep dives. And frankly, doing that the last few weeks has been more calming than anything. Opening up to a psalm that talks about God’s greatness can do more for my finding that “Forest Idylls moment” of hope than any in-depth study. I even, in the last week, was able to expand my mental capacity to include doing a couple pages in my book on Prayer and on Gospel Moms along with it. And the thing that has been brought to my attention over and over again? The importance of praise. Of just taking moments to praise God for – well – anything. Something beautiful in nature. His greatness. Some blessing, however small. And how that in itself leads to a deeper relationship with God and overall peace. No, it hasn’t been a magical cure for my stress and anxiety – but having reminders like that every morning at least gives me a chance to breathe.

Have I rambled about life and feelings enough yet? Okay, fine. But quick update on the writing aspect of my life. Because, yes, I’ve also been trying my utmost to keep up with that, even if I can only accomplish less than half of what I used to during the day.

I got another rejection from an agent I really thought might be the one. I’ve FINALLY finished writing that historical novelette to use as a lead magnet for my newsletter so I stop confusing everyone by having my fantasy up there. I’m right in the middle of another novella, setting aside my latest novel for the moment (though I still hope to finish revising it and query it a couple times before the baby comes). I am a semi-finalist in the Genesis contest! And I’m getting ready (Lord willing) to run a big giveaway on Instagram in hopes of reaching 1,000 followers (I’m currently at 550, so it would be a huge jump, but, hey, I have to hope for something, right?). All this, on top of trying to keep up with my social media posts and my volunteer activities for ACFW Virginia means that my blog posts have taken a back seat. Which is why I didn’t do any last month. And why I’m doing this one instead of a fashion one today.

Okay, guys…girls…readers…here’s the long and short of it. Even when life is good and filled with blessings, it can be overwhelming. I have been utterly blown away by the number of people who have come around to support us and our new baby. The baby showers, the generous gifts, the friends who have offered to come over this weekend to paint for us… it all has truly has astounded me! God is so beyond good to give us people like this. Not to mention my overall healthy pregnancy, the job that God miraculously provided for my husband just as he was about to lose his government one, having healthcare that covers all my maternity appointments – I am so beyond grateful when I think about all these things and the dozen other small things that make up a very good life. But that doesn’t negate the anxiety and overwhelm I also feel when I think about all the things I just talked about. Both can exist simultaneously. And that’s all right. Have you ever noticed that the Psalms alternate frequently between praise for God and asking where He is? It’s a common back and forth of “please help me with this” and “you are so great” – because both can be true. You can praise God for all His goodness, all His blessings, and still call on Him to help with your struggles, fears, and anxieties. And I think that is the lesson I’m concentrating on for this month. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You can praise, you can be grateful, you can be overwhelmed, you can be anxious. Just try not to get so lost in the half-empty part of the glass that you also forget the half-full part. Which is usually what I do. And the reason my brand is so focused on hope – because, honestly, I’m the one who constantly needs the reminder to look at hope instead despair. It doesn’t come naturally to me. But that doesn’t mean God can’t still hear my cries and pull me close. Sometimes I just need to sit inside some praise music, and let my soul cry out in both praise and anxiety. God’s big enough to handle both.